The best relationship I've ever had just ended. First it froze, and I couldn't get through; there was no communication from either of us. Then, after some desperate moves and a little bit of yelling, where I may have pushed the wrong buttons, it all went dark. And now nothing I do will make it come to life again. My laptop went and died on me, you guys! Or, I don't know, maybe it's in some kind of a coma or something. It's not talking to me, that�s for damn sure.
I was talking to my cousin Vito last night (what? I'm Italian. Did you think I didn't have a cousin Vito?) and he started muttering something about fried motherboards, and that's when, out of sheer horror, I tuned out and had a glass of wine -which wouldn't have been a bad idea if I hadn't had seafood fettuccini for dinner. For some diabolical reason, about six or seven months ago, my body decided that I can continue to eat fish, and I can continue to drink wine, but I can't do it on the same night. And so I ended the second last night of the year with invisible knives in my frontal lobe and my soul down the plumbing. Kind of a neat way to cap the year, as that's sort of how it started. I'm just grateful for sobriety at both ends. The better to remember it all, don't you know.
God, to whinge about the little things...
I know I usually try to get all thoughtful and sentimental around this time of year, thankful for what I have, looking forward into a positive future. This year, I think we'll try something different.
Grief has reared its ugly head, and the more I try to control it, the more it laughs at me. This year, a new calendar won't make it better. But I think this year, more than any other, I need the magic of a new number, a new date book, a new reason to look for the bright side. Every other year, I wanted to start the First with a goal towards losing 10 inches, or making more money or meeting a boy who makes me laugh. This year, I just want my brother back. And I know I can't have that, but I also wouldn't mind not being broken anymore. I want my self back. Being sad is exhausting.
I'm not saying that I didn't have some good moments this year. God knows, there were some exquisitely fantastic moments. But for the most part, to quote one of my favourite dames, 2005 needs to get bent.
Next year will be better.
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