In a desperate attempt to stop fucking crying, I've hit upon this theory that seems to be working for me. This week, anyway. Bear with me for a second, will you?
Things have been happening, and I’ve mentioned this before; things are occurring that make me feel like someone is sweeping the path clear in front of me. I mean, even the weather is co-operating. I moved my office premises on Saturday, and the weather was so glorious – in January! – that we were outside without jackets. In January! In Toronto! In January. So, I started to get this picture in my head. You know people? They die, right? And they go to Heaven, or Pluto or wherever, and maybe they're met at the (Pearly?) Gates or registrar’s office, by some administrative flak who checks them in, shows them around, and hands them a welcome package full of Heaven/Pluto swag...
So, hi-ee! Welcome home! My name is Gabriel, and I'll be your greeter today! Seraphim was supposed to be here, but she's got some moulting issues she's dealing with. So, ok! Follow me!
The welcome pack has stuff like, I don't know, good deed tickets, and mourner's relief vouchers. And maybe, a set of trans-plane passes? Like, maybe you get 6 passes, which lets you appear in 6 separate dreams, or maybe you can cash in three passes at a time, and that will let you appear as some kind of friendly vision...
So, here's your swag. There's 6 travel passes in there, but listen, dude, take my advice and don't even bother using the Vision route. I know you're new here, and maybe you're lonely and you want to see your peeps, but the Visions just aren't dependable. You know, you get some people, they think you're a trick of the light, and boom! Wasted trip. Take my advice - save your tickets, appear in dreams. It's old fashioned, but dude, I've been using it since Jesus was yay-high. You just get more bang for your buck.
Now, you're also going to find some Mourners Relief vouchers in there. You want to use those wisely - they're mostly so you can give your family a break now and then, make things a little easier for them now that you're gone. Like, see these Silver Level tickets? You use a couple of these, and you buy your sister a couple of little holidays - the all-inclusive kind, where she's got people taking care of her all the time, making her feel all super-fantastic. Now, listen, she gets a little silly, that one, so if I were you, I'd upgrade to the Gold Levels for her. That gives her Consequence Protection, too. In fact, you better invest in a package of CP for her. Have you seen the way she drives?
And look here, you can use these ones – aren’t they sweet? They look like little crutches! – on those members of your family who will fall into their vices a little too hard. See, what happens is, you use a couple of them, and his wine gets a little nasty, and her cigarettes start to make her sick, and… oh, yeah, you’re going to have to use a few on your sister again. She’s got that closet eating thing down pat, doesn’t she? Man, I can already tell she’s gonna be a stick in your craw.
Now, look, see these here? These are your Lucky Breaks. You've got a whole bunch of them in here, and if you space them out, it's ok, but you may just want to blow the whole wad in the first couple of months. Because, seriously, dude, your family's in pain - they could use a couple of Lucky Breaks. The weather is usually crap down there around now, isn't it? Yeah, you can do something about that, no problem. And listen, your sister's getting married, right? Yeah, that's a bummer, but don't worry, you can probably score some good seats for it. And anyway, you can use some of the Lucky Breaks on her wedding plans. Because, seriously, the Italian ones are a bitch, aren't they? Dude, don't look so surprised. You think we don't swear up here? Oh, and listen, you're going to have to register any of the weather changes with the Meteorologod. He gets pissy when things don't go the way he's planned. But if you butter him up a little, maybe you can get him to fix January for you…”
It’s a pretty little fantasy, isn’t it? I imagine that there’d also be sample packets of halo polish, and maybe a pamphlet about dealing with moulting, and what to do if you accidentally fall through a cloud. And maybe there’s a pub night…
“So, ok, dude, I think we’re just about done here. See that pile of wooden legs over there? Yeah, you can just toss your hearing aids in there. You don’t need them up here. Oh, don’t look now – here comes the Heavenly Choir. See the blonde on the left? I totally felt him up at last week’s White Party…”
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