I just watched Four Weddings and A Funeral, a film I absolutely adore. Makes me laugh, makes me cry... and I don't care if he does have a fondness for the likes of icky people like Divine Brown, I totally love Hugh Grant. So very English... but so very approachable. He's like the British version of Jimmy Stewart, no? Anyway, now I'm all verklempt, because of the emotional... female-ness... that I was born into. Silly, wonderful movies do things like this to me.
I'm 28 years old. I've waited long enough, don't you think? Is it too much to ask that one day, sooner rather than later, I look upon the face of someone, and know that I'll love him and he'll love me, and together we'll be happy 'til death do us part?
It happens to everyone else. It happened for my parents, for God's sake! Why do they get lucky, and I miss out?
The truth is... I'm lonely. I didn't think I was, but I'm forced to be honest with myself now. I hate to enter a new year with an old lie.
I guess I was always ashamed to admit to loneliness because it seems like some kind of weakness. Plus, when you're alone as long as I've been, you start to wear it like an uncomfortable sweater. You become embarrassed about it, like it's some kind of affliction. So you shrug it off, make like you enjoy it, embrace it and do with it the best you can. And... you know how some couples kind of lose the space between their names? DickandJane... GoldieandKurt... MickeyandMinnie... Where there's one, there must be two... at least in people's minds. Right? And I'm afraid that I've left an indelible mark of the opposite kind in the eyes of others. They've just come to accept me as standing solo. By myself. Alone. The Confirmed Bachelor. Or... as the times and gender dictate... The Confirmed Cougar. (God, that's disgusting.) Look, I just want to share an 'and' with someone. Mareand... Someone Special? Is that so much to ask?
Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy. I've sworn that 2003 is going to be my year of positivity, my year of action. My year. That's the extent of my resolutions. I refuse to get specific, but rather just want to make an attempt at improving my quality of life. And sure... I'm enough of a feminist to know that I need a man like a fish needs a bicycle... but after a while... I don't know... I guess I'm just tired of having a dangling 'and'...
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