Discipline has left the building. My spine has turned to jelly. I'm obviously not meant to be thin and fabulous - not if I take this much joy in shoving as much food into my mouth as humanly possible. I know it's all bad. I know it. There's no mistaking it. I mean, I KNOW it's bad. I actually think to myself, while I'm cheating, "This is not good. I should not be doing this. I really shouldn't. Why am I eating this and why can't I stop?" Weak, I tell you. I'm weak weak weak. Even the threat of never again fitting into The Hottie Dress of Greatness and Light - as horrible and scary as the thought may be - can't seem to stop me from foraging in dark cupboards, looking for something that is so far from what I'm allowed to eat, what I'm allowed to eat is a mere speck from it's perspective. Valentine's Day, in all of it's pink and scarlet romantic glory is coming, and all I can think of is those little individually purple foil-wrapped chocolate hearts with the caramel inside. Thick, velvety milk chocolate that simply oozes gooey goodness into your mouth when you take a bite. Oh God. Ooh... God... And all available now during this wonderful season of Valentine love. Small net bags full of them, heaped upon each other by the hundreds, filling the whole seasonal section of the drug store that's a mere 3 minute walk from my front door, a mere one minute drive from my garage, a mere few hundred steps from my bed to the shelf of goodness where I'd pick up the bag - maybe two, maybe three - and hurry, hurry, HURRY to pay, running home and quick up the stairs, close the door, lower the blinds, batten the hatches, fling myself across my mattress, and rip open the net, unwrapping a heart and then... oh God... then placing it squarely on my tongue, pressing it up into the roof of my mouth until the chocolate caves in and lets loose an immense and unstoppable torrent of caramel that makes my eyes brighten, my fingers clench, my toes curl ....... and God, whoever said I couldn't feel this happy didn't know what they were talking about. To those who think they've found love in their wives, their husbands, their children; to those who think they've found fulfillment and self-actualization in their careers and their personal interests; to those who think they've found mind-blowing bliss in their alcohol or their drugs or an excessively good orgasm... to them, I say one thing.
True and utter happiness can only be found in a bite of my heart. That's when you'll know who loves you.
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