I have sworn off exercise. I've probably told you this before, but it bears mentioning again: Exercise sucks.
However, I have not sworn off sweating. Sweating is fun! Breathing hard and being sweaty will feel fantastic even if you're not (insert obligatory, you totally knew this was coming, sweet monkey love joke... um... a little to the left... yeah, here. Here.)
For those of you who have ever taken a tap class (or 11 months of tap class, as I have), you may have learned some little foot ditty that makes you walk around singing "fa-lap heel heel brush toe heel toe" in your head all day long.
For those who haven't, go, run, don't walk. Take a tap class. Learn how to do it. Don't worry about becoming a good dancer. It's actually better if you're not a good dancer, because then you can write off this completely ridiculously fun experiment as "practice".
Now put your sweats on, lace up your taps, draw the blinds, lock the door, throw down a piece of plywood and strap on your iPod. Making sure no-one is looking, find Tiffany's cover of I Think We're Alone Now that you think no one knows you have downloaded, and go to town. Then stick on Blondie's Atomic. Follow that with that song in the Pepsi commercial with Jimmy Fallon dancing down the street.
Close your eyes, and do those steps over and over, until there's sweat dripping off your nose and the ends of your hair are soaking, and there are lilac sparks of pure joy coming out of your fingertips.
Open your eyes and look in the mirror. Don't be surprised if you're wearing the biggest, most triumphant grin in the world, because you've figured out how to sweat your ass off without even thinking the word 'exercise'.
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