Dear Ewan McGregor,
Now, really, don't pout. You know I still love you. You know that there is nobody on Earth that could replace you in the Who Would You Rather Be Stuck on an Island With game. You know that you are forevermore on my List, and you must totally not get jealous with Matt Damon or Jude Law, just because they have managed to secure spots, too. After all, you know you'll always be number one. I mean, even when you grew that silly beard for Mr. Lucas, I still professed my complete and total devotion to you, because our love transcends even my dislike of facial hair.
But... but... oh, Ewan. Ewan, Ewan, Ewan. Have you seen Bend It Like Beckham? Have you? And I mean, the movie itself was of such incredible brilliance even before I caught my first fateful glance of him! Oh! Oh oh oh! Oh, Jonathan! I couldn't help but have that only slightly saucy dream about him, darling. I mean, I watched the film so very late at night, and you know, I've not gotten out much lately, and... and... and... My defenses were down!
But, Ewan, of course you must understand this! After all, what about Velvet Goldmine? And yes, I know it's over 6 years old and I still haven't seen it, but only because I've not managed to run into a captioned copy of it yet, and while I love the fact that your hangy bits keep appearing in your films, not understanding why is a little disconcerting. I like a little conversation alongside your hangy bits, you know, and my ears are a little broken... and... You see what I mean? Closed Captioning is key here, darling Ewan. But... but... if distant movie magazine memory serves... don't you and dear Mr. Rhys-Meyers snog in the picture?
OH! I think I'm having an attack of the vapours! The thought is just... Well. Ahem. We'll just get together one day and you can tell me all about it. In the meantime, I think I've got to make it a Blockbuster night. And maybe pass by a shoe store. Because, hello! If there's going to be that kind of boy-on-boy hottie action in my midst, I deserve a little somethin' somethin' of my own in the way of a new pair of Jimmy Choos, don't you think?
P.S. I'd send my butler to the video store for me, but he's been totally busy in the parlour, lately.
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